What Happened To The Old Me.

You know how people always tell you to never take anything for granted and we all kinda blow it over our shoulder? I've been so guilty of that for the longest time. I never thought anything horrible would happen to me that would cause me to not be able to do the littlest things I never though twice about doing before. But it did. I realize no one really cares about what I write but this is something the really irks me everyday. Something that is truly effecting my life in every possible way. Anyone that has known me remembers who I used to be. I was so happy, I loved to laugh, I loved to scream, I loved to run around, I loved driving aimlessly, I loved going places, I really just loved life. I don't anymore. I can remember this starting in March. On our school trip to New York City. We were walking around and I just didn't feel right. I just felt like I needed to sit down, my head felt funny and walking just seemed hard. I was really sick before that and I just figured that it was all my "female problems" getting back to me. However, this progressively got worse and worse.

It's the most unexplainable feeling. If anyone has ever passed out it feels like the stage right before you pass out before the colors start to fade in and out. I feel lightheaded and get the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach, my legs become weaker and weaker and I just really feel like I won't make it two more steps. At first it wasn't all that bad, it really scared me though. I told my mom and she said I was probably just tired and needed rest. I could barely work anymore and dance...that was a whole other story. It seemed like it was the most impossible thing in the world. Something I loved more than anything in the whole world just suddenly became so hard for me. I nearly quit in May for the sole purpose that I really just didn't think I could do it anymore. One of my goals in life was to do a solo in dance and I didn't want to give that up. I realize my solo was the saddest excuse ever for one but it was the best I could do. My head was spinning and my legs were shaking. I could hardly get through that minute and thirty seconds. I don't have stage fright, that wasn't it, it was that I was so weak I just couldn't do anything. When show was over I figured resting would make me better, it didn't. I could hardly stand for an hour at work let alone the 5 or 6 hours I was working. I had to work two 13 hour days where I really just thought I was going to die. On vacation my mom was so mad at me because I asked to sit in the room one evening because i simply just could not do it anymore. Like I keep saying it's so unexplainable how I feel. It just not right. I just wish someone could jump into my body and feel what I am feeling for a few minutes and understand why I'm not me anymore. The summer was so unbearable, I hardly went out I just couldn't, I was most comfortable in my house because I knew if something happened to me that I would be home and it would be okay. I think my mom realized how horrible this was for me the day we were walking around the mall and I just grabbed onto her and said "I can't do this" and that "this" was walk. I just felt like I was going to drop at any moment.

Doctors tried to blame it on anemia,birth control and dehydration. I stopped taking the birth control (the only thing that was keeping me from uncontrollably bleeding) and started drinking more water. All this caused me to do was pee every 15 minutes, I still felt horrible. I saw a neurologist and was tested me for MS and lupus anything that could cause this. Nothing came up in blood tests or EMGs. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia but only for the pain, not for what I was feeling in my head. I quit driving because I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I quit doing anything a normal teenager does.

I went to college anyways, four hours away at a huge campus. At home I struggled to walk from my bedroom to my bathroom and now I was walking 15-20 minutes to class. Walking NEVER bothered me like this. I'm 18 years old! I was a dancer, I was a cheerleader, walking to class shouldn't be a problem but it was. It feels like the campus is spinning around me, my legs and feet are so weak. I never went out on the weekends because I couldn't walk anywhere, in fact I never went anywhere but class. Whatever this is has even burdened me from going to dinner with the people I live with. I'm so scared something will happen to me on the walk there that I avoid it at all costs. They probably think I'm weird and antil social, but I'm not. Well, the old me wasn't. The old me loved to stay up late, this me can't. The old me loved to go out, this me can't. The old me loved going out and driving around aimlessly, this me can't.

I was so excited for Chirstmas Break because I wanted to get better. I was going to see doctors and they would find out what was wrong with me and I would go back to school and be better. My friends at school could see the real me. I was wrong. Over break I left my hosue 10 times, half were doctor related. I drove a car 3 times, I was horrified. My doctor said it was depression and anxiety, but I don't understand how I can CONSTANTLY be in this state. When I say constantly I mean every second of every day. The way I feel on my "good day" would cause a normal person to stay in and the way I feel on my worst days would cause a normal person to want to go to the hospital.

I don't classify myself as normal. I'm different, I'm not me, I'm sick and no one is helping me. I don't remember what it feels like to walk around and just feel fine. I don't remember what it feels like to not have to worry about taking a 5 minute walk in fear I may not make it there. I haven't been in a store in 6 months. I've drivin a car about 5 times in 6 months. I've stressed out about walking everyday for almost a year now.

I understand what is happening to me could be a lot worse. I don't have cancer or a brain tumor or anything that is going to kill me but whatever this is has taken me over and I've completely lost myself. I miss myself. I have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic which I'm hoping will cure me once and for all. My message here is really even the littlest things in the world are things that you should never take for granted.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've lost myself, the old Andrea. I plan on getting her back and making up for every second of lost time.