My World Is Crumbling...And Nobody Knows...

February 12th may just change my life. I may finally get my old life back. I have my Cleveland Clinic appointment, it's one of the best hospitals in country, they have to know what's wrong with me. But I constantly fear that they won't know what's wrong with me and I will have to live forever like this. I can't live like this forever, it is really ruining my life. I want to go to the rec center and work out, I want to go walking, I want to go out, I want to just be able to walk to class and not have to worry whether or not I'm going to make it. I want to be able to not have to worry about the little things in life, things that the normal person never have to worry about. I want to be normal again, but I'm not. I want to take free yoga on Sundays, but I know I can't. I want to take aerobics classes, but I know I can't! I hate it!! But most of all, I want to dance again...

I really did love dancing, and I know I didn't seem dedicated toward the end but it was because that is really when this horrible thing started hitting me. I could hardly stand let alone dance and it killed me. All I ever wanted was a solo to prove that I really can dance, not amazingly, but I do have some talent. I wasn't able to do that. The room was spinning, I was weak, and my legs could hardly hold me up, it was horrible. I didn't even want the DVD from my senior show because I didn't want to have to be reminded of that horrible excuse for a solo. I want to take a dance class, I miss ballet. I just miss dance. Dancing was such a release, and now I don't have that, and even if I wanted to I can't. I just...can't. No one realizes how earth shattering this is for me. I was so active and now I'm not, I can't be. I fear getting fat, but I can't work out. It's hard to eat right in college and it's inevitable that I'll gain weight. THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD! There is something wrong with me and I fear it will be too late when they find out.

I just want to be home, where I'm safe. Where I don't have to worry about walking to class or sitting in class. Where I don't have to worry about not being sociable. I miss home. Everything was so easy there. If something were to happen to me, my mom is right there to help me, but now, I'm so far away that it almost wouldn't matter. I love college, I really do. I love OU but I would love it more if I wasn't so sick. I just want my life back.