Movin' Out

I saw Movin' Out last night at MemAud! It was really really good. Nothing like I expected but it was so good. Being that it was a musical I thought it would be the characters singing and dancing and acting however, it wasn't. The set was very simple big metal almost cage looking things with the band on top, probably like 15 feet in the air. It was a really cool concept. There was a man that played the piano and sang. He was amazing!! I was so in love with his voice. The characters just danced. Of course, I didn't have a problem with it because I love dancing. You had to interpret the story through dance. It was an amazing experience. The dancing wasn't really my style (I don't care for bend legs and flexed feet) but other than that it was good choreography. There was a dancer who played the part of Judy and she was obviously very ballet trained. She had a gorgeous style, it was like a mini ballet at times. Ballet is my favorite, it's so beautiful and fascinating to watch. She even did a few numbers on pointe. Black pointe shoes for the military funeral. (Reminds me of my blue pointe shoes that ruined every pair of tights I owned. And being on stage in a 20's bathing suit was anything but flattering. AND THOSE PARASOLS...THEY WERE DEATH TO DANCE WITH) ...ANYWAYS, Over all the show was good. "She's Got A Way" was amazing and so was "We Didn't Start The Fire". But "Shameless" stole the show right at the very end. Oh, and of course "River of Dreams" had me dancing in my seat and feeling the urge to be a monkey. Oh, good old KDGC making us all crazy one dancer at a times. I figured the good ol' Singin' in the Rain pictures were suitable considering how much I brought up the blue pointe shoes.

Mystery Diagnosis

Well, I have no diagnosis. A few leads but nothing yet. It's not neurological. However, I do show signs of MS so I need to see a neurologist once a year. The few leads they got were the major one that they think and that is that I have Cushing's Syndrome. That is when there is a small tumor on your pituitary gland that is producing too much of the hormone cortisol. As a result, you gain in you central area, have joint pain and a lot of other symptoms that I have. So that's te biggest one. There were a few others like a virus that leaked into my nervous system, possibly a different muscle disorder, and a pinched nerve. I have more appointments on the 24th of March with a cardiologist and the Spine center. It is a possibility I might have a chronic pain condition and will have to see pain specialist and get shots for the rest of my life. I'm getting a tilt table test and MRIs on my brain and spine. I'm hopeful something will come out of this but terrified nothing will. Anyways, I'm dead tired so I'm going to take a nap.

I'm going to see Movin' Out tonight! It's here at school and Mara and I got tickets =]] (It's a play with Billy Joel songs) My next blog will most likely be about that

OH AND AND AND...I got an A on my Political Theory Midterm! It's a really hard class so I'm so happy I did well. I got a B+ and missed and A- by half a point on my Geography midterm and I got 100 percent on my Art Histpry term paper =] I have another mid-term tomorrow in English and I have NO IDEA what to expect for it.

4 more days...

The other night I woke up at 5 AM and my eyes were twitching. It felt like the room was shaking and spinning. I was terrified and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to throw up. I started crying and I texted my mom hoping she would say she would come down. She wanted to but I knew she had to work and I had tests to take. I couldn't fall asleep I just layed there for hours and decided not to go to my 9 AM class. However, I went anyways because I'm such a damn good student...AND the class was 20 minutes long and the most pointless class of my life. Ugh. My mom spoke to a nurse who said I should have went to the emergency room when i felt like that...but I didn't want to be a drama queen.

In 4 days I will be at the Cleveland Clinic, finally. I finally will hopefully have some answers. I miss mylife so much. I miss being able to go out. Sometimes I probably wouldn't even go out but I miss having the option to. Life has become so difficult with this. Sometimes I just cry because I hate it so much. I want someone to walk a day in my shoes just to understand how I feel. I know a lot of people probably think I'm full of shit, but I'm not. This is killing me, it's completely tearing me up inside. I hate it, I would do anything to make it go away. Sometimes I sleep just because when I do I'm not dizzy. Last night I had a dream that I got a job and I turned it down because I said I knew I couldn't stand that long. Now I even can't escape being dizzy in my dreams. The day I get better I will never ever ever ever ever ever take life for granted EVER again.

I have an appointment with a doctor in internal medicine, neurology, and cardiology, someone has to find something....I can't live like this much longer.

Time to study for my Political Science mid-term.
I got a 94 on my Theatre History midterm! woo!
I go home Wednesday night, I'm so excited.

Vote For Taylor or Penelope!

It's super easy I promise!! Just click on the picture and vote for one of my babies!

Ohio University: Closed!

Wednesday January 27, 2009

Vote for Morgan or Casper!

I entered two of my babies in a pet photo contest can you guys please vote for them this week =]

My Decision: Bruises Fade, But The Pain Remains The Same.

So many times in my life I'd had people question my decision to not drink. I've never quite understood this. Not drinking is a good thing! Being strong enough to say "no" makes me a better person. I don't really understand why anyone drinks, I've never took even a sip of anything and I have more fun than imaginable. I really don't understand it. I see drinking as being weak. It's a ploy to fit in, something people feel they need to do to be accepted. I've never felt that I need. I don't understand that need. Even the aftermath, throwing up, blacking out, doing things you didn't mean to, headaches....none of them seem worth it to me. I don't see how anyone could trade their health and well being for a few hours of "fun."

Alcohol has caused my life to be hell. My grandfather was killed in a drunk driving accident when my dad was only 2. While this is horrible this is what brought my Papa into my life. This is the only positive of this. However, alcoholism runs in my family. My father was an alcoholic which is why him and my mom divorced, he's gotten DUI's and had tried to stop but he just can't. It disgusts me. When my mom divorced him the decision was what was more important his family or alcohol, he chose alcohol. But the worst of all alcohol continued to ruin my life even after the divorce. When my mom married Jim. He was a raging alcoholic who would drink a 64 oz beer followed by a six pack. His drinking made him very violent. For SEVEN YEARS I abuse not always phyiscal but always emotional. Phyiscal abuse happened too. I've been slammed in doors, thrown down the stairs, hit, punched, anything you can think of. All because of alcohol. I'm so messed up now because that haunts me. It took me years to get it out in the open but I can talk about it now. He didn't stop until he realized I was old enough to report it, then he stopped. Still being called, fat, ugly, worthless, and unwanted everyday does a number on you.

I've surrounded myself with people that chose not to drink and if they have they don't do it around me. My heart broke the day I saw one of my best friend intoxicated and even through her drunkeness she could tell how much I was hurting. I HATE ALCOHOL. I always have and I always will. Don't look down on me because I'm strong enough to say not. I'm not going to ruin anyone's life out of my own selfishness like mine was ruined.

1-25-08 until Forever =]

He's my baby, my one and only, the love of my life, my best friend. We're like husband and wife and we're going to be together until forever.

I Love You Michael =]

My World Is Crumbling...And Nobody Knows...

February 12th may just change my life. I may finally get my old life back. I have my Cleveland Clinic appointment, it's one of the best hospitals in country, they have to know what's wrong with me. But I constantly fear that they won't know what's wrong with me and I will have to live forever like this. I can't live like this forever, it is really ruining my life. I want to go to the rec center and work out, I want to go walking, I want to go out, I want to just be able to walk to class and not have to worry whether or not I'm going to make it. I want to be able to not have to worry about the little things in life, things that the normal person never have to worry about. I want to be normal again, but I'm not. I want to take free yoga on Sundays, but I know I can't. I want to take aerobics classes, but I know I can't! I hate it!! But most of all, I want to dance again...

I really did love dancing, and I know I didn't seem dedicated toward the end but it was because that is really when this horrible thing started hitting me. I could hardly stand let alone dance and it killed me. All I ever wanted was a solo to prove that I really can dance, not amazingly, but I do have some talent. I wasn't able to do that. The room was spinning, I was weak, and my legs could hardly hold me up, it was horrible. I didn't even want the DVD from my senior show because I didn't want to have to be reminded of that horrible excuse for a solo. I want to take a dance class, I miss ballet. I just miss dance. Dancing was such a release, and now I don't have that, and even if I wanted to I can't. I just...can't. No one realizes how earth shattering this is for me. I was so active and now I'm not, I can't be. I fear getting fat, but I can't work out. It's hard to eat right in college and it's inevitable that I'll gain weight. THIS IS NOT IN MY HEAD! There is something wrong with me and I fear it will be too late when they find out.

I just want to be home, where I'm safe. Where I don't have to worry about walking to class or sitting in class. Where I don't have to worry about not being sociable. I miss home. Everything was so easy there. If something were to happen to me, my mom is right there to help me, but now, I'm so far away that it almost wouldn't matter. I love college, I really do. I love OU but I would love it more if I wasn't so sick. I just want my life back.

What Happened To The Old Me.

You know how people always tell you to never take anything for granted and we all kinda blow it over our shoulder? I've been so guilty of that for the longest time. I never thought anything horrible would happen to me that would cause me to not be able to do the littlest things I never though twice about doing before. But it did. I realize no one really cares about what I write but this is something the really irks me everyday. Something that is truly effecting my life in every possible way. Anyone that has known me remembers who I used to be. I was so happy, I loved to laugh, I loved to scream, I loved to run around, I loved driving aimlessly, I loved going places, I really just loved life. I don't anymore. I can remember this starting in March. On our school trip to New York City. We were walking around and I just didn't feel right. I just felt like I needed to sit down, my head felt funny and walking just seemed hard. I was really sick before that and I just figured that it was all my "female problems" getting back to me. However, this progressively got worse and worse.

It's the most unexplainable feeling. If anyone has ever passed out it feels like the stage right before you pass out before the colors start to fade in and out. I feel lightheaded and get the strangest feeling in the pit of my stomach, my legs become weaker and weaker and I just really feel like I won't make it two more steps. At first it wasn't all that bad, it really scared me though. I told my mom and she said I was probably just tired and needed rest. I could barely work anymore and dance...that was a whole other story. It seemed like it was the most impossible thing in the world. Something I loved more than anything in the whole world just suddenly became so hard for me. I nearly quit in May for the sole purpose that I really just didn't think I could do it anymore. One of my goals in life was to do a solo in dance and I didn't want to give that up. I realize my solo was the saddest excuse ever for one but it was the best I could do. My head was spinning and my legs were shaking. I could hardly get through that minute and thirty seconds. I don't have stage fright, that wasn't it, it was that I was so weak I just couldn't do anything. When show was over I figured resting would make me better, it didn't. I could hardly stand for an hour at work let alone the 5 or 6 hours I was working. I had to work two 13 hour days where I really just thought I was going to die. On vacation my mom was so mad at me because I asked to sit in the room one evening because i simply just could not do it anymore. Like I keep saying it's so unexplainable how I feel. It just not right. I just wish someone could jump into my body and feel what I am feeling for a few minutes and understand why I'm not me anymore. The summer was so unbearable, I hardly went out I just couldn't, I was most comfortable in my house because I knew if something happened to me that I would be home and it would be okay. I think my mom realized how horrible this was for me the day we were walking around the mall and I just grabbed onto her and said "I can't do this" and that "this" was walk. I just felt like I was going to drop at any moment.

Doctors tried to blame it on anemia,birth control and dehydration. I stopped taking the birth control (the only thing that was keeping me from uncontrollably bleeding) and started drinking more water. All this caused me to do was pee every 15 minutes, I still felt horrible. I saw a neurologist and was tested me for MS and lupus anything that could cause this. Nothing came up in blood tests or EMGs. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia but only for the pain, not for what I was feeling in my head. I quit driving because I didn't feel comfortable doing it. I quit doing anything a normal teenager does.

I went to college anyways, four hours away at a huge campus. At home I struggled to walk from my bedroom to my bathroom and now I was walking 15-20 minutes to class. Walking NEVER bothered me like this. I'm 18 years old! I was a dancer, I was a cheerleader, walking to class shouldn't be a problem but it was. It feels like the campus is spinning around me, my legs and feet are so weak. I never went out on the weekends because I couldn't walk anywhere, in fact I never went anywhere but class. Whatever this is has even burdened me from going to dinner with the people I live with. I'm so scared something will happen to me on the walk there that I avoid it at all costs. They probably think I'm weird and antil social, but I'm not. Well, the old me wasn't. The old me loved to stay up late, this me can't. The old me loved to go out, this me can't. The old me loved going out and driving around aimlessly, this me can't.

I was so excited for Chirstmas Break because I wanted to get better. I was going to see doctors and they would find out what was wrong with me and I would go back to school and be better. My friends at school could see the real me. I was wrong. Over break I left my hosue 10 times, half were doctor related. I drove a car 3 times, I was horrified. My doctor said it was depression and anxiety, but I don't understand how I can CONSTANTLY be in this state. When I say constantly I mean every second of every day. The way I feel on my "good day" would cause a normal person to stay in and the way I feel on my worst days would cause a normal person to want to go to the hospital.

I don't classify myself as normal. I'm different, I'm not me, I'm sick and no one is helping me. I don't remember what it feels like to walk around and just feel fine. I don't remember what it feels like to not have to worry about taking a 5 minute walk in fear I may not make it there. I haven't been in a store in 6 months. I've drivin a car about 5 times in 6 months. I've stressed out about walking everyday for almost a year now.

I understand what is happening to me could be a lot worse. I don't have cancer or a brain tumor or anything that is going to kill me but whatever this is has taken me over and I've completely lost myself. I miss myself. I have an appointment at the Cleveland Clinic which I'm hoping will cure me once and for all. My message here is really even the littlest things in the world are things that you should never take for granted.

I'm sorry to everyone that I've lost myself, the old Andrea. I plan on getting her back and making up for every second of lost time.